Conflict is an inevitable part of life. The real problem is when emotions are elevated beyond reason. A wise person said when logic and emotion enter the battlefield emotion always wins.
The local church congregation, being made up of humans, is not immune to the possibility of personal conflict becoming a destructive force. With some advanced thinking and preparation it is possible to prevent conflict from escalating. The essence of conflict management is not prevention as much as it is to find a resolution. Conflict management is a subject of such depth that it would require multiples of hours of discussion to explore all the concepts available. In this post I will briefly overview five levels of conflict and some tips to assist in resolution. My desire is that you are able to apply the information presented to your ministry and personal life.
In order to understand any concept we first need to define it. The definition we will use for conflict is; “Striving for one’s own preferred outcome, which, if attained, precludes the attainment by others of their preferred outcome, thereby producing hostility”.
Some things to know about conflict
Not all conflict is sin. Here are a couple of verses to ponder;
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Not all conflict is unhealthy. Appropriate conflict management is a sign of health for any relationship. If you think about it a game of checkers is a form of conflict.
Conflict does not always have a long-term negative outcome. In fact the gospel message spread because of conflict. (Nero persecuting the church). The position of deacon came about because of conflict. (Acts 6)
Progress is rarely made without conflict. Conflict is the companion of change! There are times that conflict is predictable such as;
- Change in leadership
- Economic change
- Change in tradition
- Change in a program or system
- Change in team members
- Changing lanes in traffic in a large truck, or maybe that’s just me…..
Most conflict issues begin with poor communication and not taking the time to understand or be understood. It is essential to learn and use biblical conflict management skills. That is not the same as using the Bible to beat someone with. Conflict does not go away just because we ignore it. Typically it will grow and escalate until we have no choice but to deal with it.
In Matthew 18:20 Jesus said “where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (NIV), but I say where two or more gather there will be issues to resolve.
There are different degrees or levels of conflict. Speed Leas is credited for defining five levels of conflict that must be addressed in different ways.
I. PROBLEMS TO SOLVE (Annoyance)
At this level people feel discomfort in one another’s presence. Level 1 conflict is a daily part of life. A few example causes of level one conflict are;
- A slow driver
- A fast driver (ever notice anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac)
- Speakers that don’t use “your style of talking”
- Falling asleep in church
- Aunt Bertha bringing that green jello dessert to the holiday dinner. (Okay, I added that for humor……)
At this level people are focused on problem solving. It is possible to have short-lived anger or even denial of hostile feelings. Rational thought and clear communication is present. People are open to other opinions.
II. DISAGREEMENTS (Arguments)
Level 2 conflict is not yet a win/lose destructive level; however, it is more difficult and emotionally charged than level 1. People involved in level 2 conflict are less concerned with solving a problem and more concerned about self-protection. Some indicators of level 2 conflict are;
- Involving others in their discussion to justify their case and plan a strategy
- The language shifts from specific to general, (“I am not interested in what you are talking about” becomes “you are oblivious to reality”)
- People involved tend to withhold information that may enhance the other or hurt themselves.
- Hostile humor
- Labeling (name calling)
- People begin to choose sides.
This is the point when things start to get hairy. People can permit arguments to linger by not responding properly. If someone is involving you in their discussions of someone else ask clear questions such as “did you see or hear that yourself?”, “were there any witnesses?” Be sure of the context of the issue and pray with the person for a peaceful resolution. DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. Remember “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge” (Proverbs 15:1-2)
III. CONTESTS (I want my way)
This is the point where the conflict enters the win/lose stage. The focus shifts from self-protection to winning. Competition enters in as one party wants to win while making the other party lose. Level 3 is more complicated and usually has more than one problem to resolve. Perceptions of the real problem are very different, and people begin to depend on their gut feelings rather than on the facts.
Level 3 conflicts usually require a third-party to intervene. These types of conflict can be hard to resolve.
Occasionally we encounter a divisive person. A divisive person usually tries to turn any difference of opinion into a contest. NOT ALL PEOPLE IN A LEVEL 3 CONFLICT ARE DIVISIVE PEOPLE. If in fact it is a divisive person, it is best if someone of authority tries to work with the person through proper counseling. The goal of counseling is to help the individual grow through the process. Titus 3:10 says “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that have nothing to do with him.”
IV. FIGHT/FLIGHT(Someone has to go)
At level 4 the goal of the parties changes from wanting to win to wanting to hurt or get rid of the other. At this level people will not even speak to each other.
V. INTRACTABLE SITUATIONS (War)
This level is unmanageable. At level 5 the situation is out-of-control and the conflict is not solvable unless there is divine intervention and the parties are open to that. The mentality is “How can I destroy the other side?” Annihilation is the goal. The other party is viewed as harmful to society at large and needs to be removed. It is possible for one person to be at level 5 conflict while the other is at level 1.
There are situations that a person is completely justified in getting mad. We are given emotions as a gift and tools, not as a punishment. But remember, you may have the right to be angry but you never have the right to harm yourself or others!
The goal of conflict should be to reach resolution
Resolution usually does not always prove one side totally wrong and the other side totally right. Keep focus on the issue. Keep one issue on the table at a time. Cooperation and understanding should be the goals even if both sides are in opposition to each other. If the issue does not call for moral compromise or a legal action, allow that the other person has another opinion. Healthy disagreements can strengthen relationships and be a positive force. However, not dealing with conflict in a manner consistent with healthy principles is harmful to relationships and even organizations.
Show humility in your attitude. Admit when you have made a mistake and accept correction that you may learn from it. The antithesis of humility is pride, which is a magnification of self-importance and self-esteem.
Micah 6:8 He has shown you O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
I encourage you to consider the other persons opinion when conflict arises. By understanding the issue to be resolved it is easier to begin a plan of resolution. It is wise to discuss how the future will look as conflict is resolved. Conflict is never over until a plan or goal as to how the people will function in the future is agreed on. As Christians our goal should be fulfilling both the great commission and keeping the great commandment. Remember that mature people seek truth and immature people want to win, no matter the cost.
Keep in mind the definition of conflict is: “Striving for one’s own preferred outcome, which, if attained, precludes the attainment by others of their preferred outcome, thereby producing hostility”.
I will end on this thought;
Albert Einstein is credited with saying “We can’t solve problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
Rev. Burt Schwab