I am tired. I am tired of being tired. The last several months have been a long bout of depression. This is not a normal response for me.
There are a number of factors that have contributed to my anxiety and depression.
- Leaving Illinois where I resided for almost 30 years. It was a desire to leave for many years but still change is hard.
- Taking a church position that was based on misleading information. Yes I am still mad about that. It’s not realistic to just forgive and forget a deep breach of trust.
- Going to work in a factory on night shift. Nothing wrong with factory work but changing shifts is a major life event.
- Working on an old house in need of many updates and repairs. That included dealing with water seeping in the basement that the last owners “had no knowledge of”. We bought the house based on the income of the church job.
- Applying for open Pastor positions. For the most part Pastor search committees decide what they want in a Pastor and then pray for God to bring that person. Maybe if they would seek God’s desire for their church first then only the right candidates would apply.
With all this going on I have explored the possibility of planting a church. Several people have suggested that I start a church. The reality is those same people like to hear me preach but they don’t want to commit themselves to the work of church planting. It is obviously a waste of my time to pursue church planting any further.
Let’s be honest with ourselves. We all have expectations that are not based on reality. Pastors lie for fear of losing congregants. House sellers lie just to sell their house. Employers lie in order to fill employment occupancy. Pastor search committees lie because they have personal agendas. There are some good reasons to have trust issues.
I ask myself, in all this where is God? I place my trust in God and study the Bible to understand Him more and how to live the way God wants me to. Sometimes I think the way I live makes a difference to others. Sometimes I think it would be better to drop out of society completely and let people live out their short existence on earth with their own self-made misery.
This site is written for Christians. Atheists sometimes make their ignorant and even hateful remarks but I am not writing for them. As Christians most all of us could take some time to evaluate our integrity. Proclaiming to be one way and living another is a form of lying. Both an honest life and a dishonest life have far reaching impacts.
Rev. Burt Schwab